


Ato nannen ka sureba omoide ni naru (After a few years, it's going to become a memory)

by vogue91



Category: A.B.C.-Z, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Confessions, Hurt, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 05:29:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14157813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Please, Tsuka... I’ve known you for too long to actually believe everything’s fine. And even if I didn’t know you, you’re a really bad liar, it’s not in your nature. So don’t even try it.”





	Ato nannen ka sureba omoide ni naru (After a few years, it's going to become a memory)

Tottsu had never thought of himself as a particularly complicated person.

When he wanted to do something he did that, when he wanted to say something he said that.

That was likely why he had never felt exactly comfortable when he couldn’t understand what people around him were thinking.

He hated having to go and ask what was wrong, he hated getting into arguments, but most of all he hated the feeling that someone was mad at him, especially when, no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t understand why.

Lately, it had happened often to him to get that feeling.

Tsukada hadn’t been the same for some time now.

Before, he had been the one to put all the A.B.C.-Z in a good mood, the one who never lost his smile, even when rehearsals lasted until ungodly times, he had always been the one motivating them.

It wasn’t like that anymore, and Shota had clearly lost the passage that had brought him to smile less and less frequently.

He was sure he wasn’t the only one who had noticed.

He saw Kawai getting close to his friend, joking and managing to make him laugh, a laughter that died too soon, showing itself in its all pretence.

He saw Goseki being always around him, asking him to go out, to do anything together, and the excuses the younger gave him were always little convincing, as if couldn’t bother inventing better ones.

And he still had done nothing to understand what was wrong with him.

He had blamed his bad mood to Hasshi in the beginning, to the nervousness of having someone new in the group, to the uncertainty as to how he was going to fit and catch up with them.

But it didn’t work as an explanation.

As much as Tsuka could care about work and as sceptical as he might have been at the thought of having added a new member to the group, Tottsu knew it had to be something more.

And he had had confirmation of that when he had finally tried to approach him, when he had tried to get closer and talk to him, and he had seen himself being treated even colder than Tsuka had done with the other two.

From that circumstance, was born his conviction to be the cause of his problem.

But there were still too many things he couldn’t understand, and he was starting to get tired at the younger’s attitude.

They had always been close, the two of them.

They had known each other for ten years now, they had quickly gone over the threshold of a normal friendship and had always been friends since.

Tottsu had always thought he was able to understand perfectly what was going through the other’s mind, had always deemed him crystal clear, but apparently he had been wrong.

He had tried, really.

He had tried because he cared almost unhealthily to his relationship with him, because he wasn’t just some guy, because seeing him like that make him feel sick as well, somehow.

But he just couldn’t.

He had considered all the options, but nothing seemed to justify such behaviour.

Had something happened to him he was sure he would’ve told him, because he had never been a particularly private person.

He had considered he could feel left out because of Tottsu’s relationship with Kitayama, but that didn’t seem likely either.

They had been together three months now, and even though they tried they never managed to spent much time alone. Most of the times they saw each other, all the members of their groups were there as well, and the only moments they had alone were their nights spent together, which he was sure didn’t concern Tsuka at all.

He had always tried to be a good friend for him, just like the others, always putting their bond before the one he shared with Hiromitsu.

He was so damn tired.

Tired of trying to understand, tired of making an effort, when on the other side he could see nothing like that, tired of thinking constantly about it, tired of keeping to pretend he was in a good mood, when he couldn’t be completely, not in that situation.

He had reached his limit, and he didn’t care if Tsukada still had problems with him, if he wanted to keep that wall between them standing.

He was going to be direct, that the other liked it or not.

He missed his presence, terribly, and the other man would’ve better make his peace with that, because he wasn’t willing to let this go, to accept silence as an answer.

He wanted to know.

 

~

 

Rehearsals were good.

Hasshi made less and less mistakes, his movements had become more graceful, and he seemed to be keeping up with them.

Tottsu hoped that the lighter atmosphere could have its effects even on Tsuka’s mood.   

Once they were done, the others had run to the showers, and Ryoichi was about to follow them, when Tottsu grabbed his wrist, stopping him.

“Wait, Tsuka-chan.” he murmured, then looked at the other three. “You can go, don’t worry.” he said; Goseki and Kawai were looking curious at them, and hesitated for a moment before shrugging and go shower.

Tottsu closed the doors, paused for a moment to take a deep breath and turned toward him.

Tsuka stood still in the middle of the rehearsal room, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes on the floor.

His hair were messy after dancing, but as much as they could be on his face, Tottsu couldn’t miss the eyebrows, twisted in a vexed expression, his lips become thinner. With his fingertips he had started tormenting his arm, while he kept shifting weight.

He was nervous; too much to be just about talking to him.

Tottsu sighed again before getting closer.

“So... what’s wrong with you?” he asked, directly.

The younger man raised his eyes, trying to relax his expression.

“What do you mean?” he asked, poorly masking the annoyance and tension in his voice.

Shota barely raised an eyebrow, allowing himself a half smile.

“Please, Tsuka... I’ve known you for too long to actually believe everything’s fine. And even if I didn’t know you, you’re a really bad liar, it’s not in your nature. So don’t even try it.” he scolded him, trying to keep the discussion light, attempt that didn’t reach the result he had hoped.

He saw Ryoichi froze, getting defensive, while he made an annoyed sound.

“Oh, so you know me. Because you and I have been together all these years, we’re friends and all. So, since you know me, why are you struggling so much with understanding what’s wrong with me?” he asked, sarcastic.

Tottsu backed off, as if the other had just hit him.

He truly wished he knew what was going through his mind.

He wished he could have told him. He wished he could’ve have told him it was a problem they could solve, because he was _sure_ that there could be nothing so horrible between them to throw away all they had shared.

The fact that the other ignored how much his behaviour hurt him, made him sad.

“I don’t know. I’ve been wondering for weeks, I’ve been trying to understand, Tsuka. And if now I’m here asking it’s not because I don’t want to look for a solution on my own, but because I’ve done it and come up with nothing. So, if you somehow care for me, I really wish you would talk to me, like you’ve always done whenever you’ve had a problem with me.” he paused, thinking. “Because your problem is with me, isn’t it?” he asked, taking his friend’s answer almost for granted.

Tsukada kept quiet, but didn’t lower his gaze.

He kept staring and Tottsu duly noted every shift in his expression.

His features from tense had become more relaxed, but not because he seemed relieved, more like a passage from a state of rage to one of resignation.

And when he answered, his voice said the same thing.

“You’ve always been by my side, Shota. You’ve been with me when no one else was, you’ve always found the way of cheering me up, we’ve always had a bond that made me feel... good. It made me feel happy. And I’ve always thought it was the same for you.” he started to explain, but the elder looked at him more and more confused.

“As a matter of fact, it is. I’ve always been happy with you, Ryo. I don’t understand what I’ve done to...” he started to say, but the other man didn’t let him finish.

“It’s clear that we’re not talking about the same kind of happiness, Tottsu. I’m talking about something that goes beyond friendship, something that has always been there for me and that you, who pride yourself of knowing me so well, have never been able to see.” he accused him. “During the years I’ve always thought something was going to happen. You’ve always been more than a friend, you’ve always done more than what a friend would. And then you told me you’ve started dating Kitayama, and I’ve honestly started wondering why the hell I’ve spent the past ten years of my life living an illusion.” he sighed. “I’ve always thought I was something more for you. I... I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to hate you, but now that’s all I feel.” he said, in a whisper.

Tottsu kept watching him, but it was like his gaze went through him, like he wasn’t actually able to see him.

His words kept echoing in his mind, in a whole new sound, as something he couldn’t believe, as if Ryoichi was talking to him in a language he didn’t understand.

He felt... sick. He couldn’t say exactly what kind of feeling he had, he just knew it was all but pleasant.

He opened his mouth once or twice, but it was like words couldn’t come out.

“Tsuka...” he whispered. “You knew. You knew that between me and Mitsu there’s always been something. I’ve never mislead you, I never wanted to.” he said, simply, because it was what he thought.

He had never imagined the other man could feel something for him.

Tsukada was right about that, he prouded himself of knowing him so well, but he had ignored that huge truth.

Finally, he had understood what he felt: he felt like the past ten years had crumbled upon him, as if everything was now shining with a new meaning, one he didn’t like, one he couldn’t face.

But, while everything he had ever done with Tsuka went through his mind in a confused manner, he couldn’t truly say he had mislead him, nor that he had ever wanted to.

They had given different meanings to the same things.

They had given different meanings to their relationship, and neither could be blamed for it. There was not right or wrong, but Tottsu couldn’t deny Tsuka that hate he felt, even though at the base of it there were more misunderstandings than faults.

“I’m sorry, Tsuka. I may also not have understood you but... this doesn’t change that I care for you, that I would never want for you to suffer, even less because of me.” he took a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly before going on. “But it doesn’t change anything. I don’t feel about you how you feel about me, I could never, because you’ve always been a friend for me. You’re important to me, probably more than Mitsu is, but it doesn’t change the fact that his hand is the one I’m holding now, and that I have no intention of letting it go.” he explained, still hoping that the other could see his reasons, but being aware that it wasn’t going to happen, not so easily.

Yet he wanted to be clear with him, because his sincerity was the best he had to offer right now.

He cared for him and loved Hiromitsu. Those were the facts, and he wasn’t giving up on either.

He didn’t want to hurt them nor himself, but he wasn’t going to force himself into something that he couldn’t even think about.

And Tsuka understood, but like he had said, everything had been buried by the hatred he felt now, and Tottsu knew it was going to take time for that feeling to go away.

So when the other one looked him in the eyes and asked him to leave, he did.

He left him alone, because he knew that having him there would’ve added insult to injury.

He left him alone out of a bit of selfishness as well, because he didn’t want to look at his pain knowing he was the cause of it.

He left him alone, and doing so it seemed like he was leaving behind a part of himself, together with Tsukada.

Now that things were clear, he regretted not having understood before.

He regretted many things, but it was late now.

He left, dragging his feet while he joined the others.

He already missed him, like a void inside of him, and what made him feel worse was that he would’ve had to grow accustomed to that feeling.

It wasn’t an argument, a fight, something that could be solved talking about it.

It felt like someone had died.

And, if he knew him even a little bit, he was sure that Tsuka felt the same.

He wished he could be wrong, once again.

 


End file.
